Like a deer to a salt lick

It may be cliche, but you really can't turn around for a second when you have little kids. As I was trying to get dressed this morning (which really is a basic human right, not a luxury), I turned around to discover that my daughter was licking my empty contact lens case with great passion. Yes, licking it. Hands in pants, hands in toilets, fingers in noses, tongues on contact lens cases, snot on blankies. It's no wonder these kids are sick all the time.

After 38 years of marriage he probably won't leave you

Dear Mother,
Please don't complain that you have no one to vote for in the upcoming pivotal Ohio primary. There are two qualified, historically significant candidates, either of whom would drastically raise the IQ of the Oval Office. And please stop pretending to be a Republican for the sake of keeping the peace with my father.
Love,
Your "raging lunatic" Democrat daughter

God wouldn't want you to wear Sunday panties

In the movie When Harry Met Sally, Sally tells Harry that little girl "days of the week" panties didn't include a pair for Sunday because of God. Yes, because of God. I hadn't really thought about that until today when I bought my first package of days of the week underwear for fancypantsy. We exictedly unrolled each pair revealing the name of each day and its respective princess. It was only upon spreading them out on the table to place them in order that I discovered that indeed, there was no Sunday pair. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday and....Saturday???? Could this be? Was Sally Albright correct when she declared that the impropriety of wearing a pair of cotton panties emblazoned with the word Sunday was just too much for God to handle? Or did I just get a defective package of 4T Hanes Disney Princess underpants for little girls? The mystery remains unsolved....

It's not a snot rag

Dear husband,
Please don't use your son's stinky blankie to wipe away the stuff that drips forth from his nostrils. It's just plain unhygienic and leaves crusty little green bits on it.
Thank you for your understanding,
Your loving wife

How do you not be sick?

-Mama?
-Yes, honey.
-Do you want to know how you can don't be sick?
-Yes, honey.
-Cake.

Right on.

Trust me on this one

Dear daughter,
Please don't ask me why when I tell you that it's not polite to stick your hands down your pants in public, even if the public is just your mom. You'll understand when you're older. Just trust me on this one.
Love,
Mom