It is 10:15 a.m. Both children have been screaming non-stop since 7:30 a.m. There has been a total breakdown of order and authority and the best I can do at this point is watch in shock and awe and pray for it all to be over.
The more the baby cries, the faster the snot drips out of his nose and the redder his eyebrows get.
My daughter is rolling on the floor making sounds previously unknown to man and screaming "I want my daddy." Me too, sister, me too.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Thursday, April 3, 2008
Ways your children can make you look bad, Part 1
While walking through Costco, and almost pulling down a bottle from one of the "expensive" bins, Ms. Fancy Pants says loudly (of course, there's no volume control on that kid)....
"Mommy, we need some wine."
Nice. She probably can't tell you what spinach looks like, but she can sure spot a bottle of booze pdq.
"Mommy, we need some wine."
Nice. She probably can't tell you what spinach looks like, but she can sure spot a bottle of booze pdq.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Why new carpet is just not a good idea right now
Despite the fact that we have an 18-month-old and a 3-year-old, my dear husband still thinks that we could use some new beige carpet. How can I even begin to explain the faulty logic behind that. Let's see, there's: vomit, pee, grape juice, chocolate ice cream, drippy green snot, mud, blood, melted popsicle, stickiness of unknown origin, and oh yeah....poop.
Allow me to set the scene:
It's Wednesday afternoon and Mr. McBooBoos is sitting on the floor in Miss Lala's room when suddenly a foul odor emanates from his general direction. I pick him up to investigate and in the spot where he had just been sitting, there's a toddler-sized circle of runny yellow poop. Now, if you have kids, but have yet to experience the buttocks to neck covered with poop phenomenon, let me guarantee you that one day, your child will be so covered with crap that the only option will be to hold him out in front of you as far as you safely can and quickly deposit him in the tub, clothes and all, and start the hosedown. More than likely, when the clothes start coming off, the poop that had been previously limited to the back area will find its way into the hair and onto the feet, between the toes. Any reservations you might have had before about actually touching the poo-poo are as good as out the window, because you've got a dirty job to do, and you've just got to hope that by the time you're finished, you've somehow avoided baby caca smears on the walls and in your own hair.
So the moral of the story is: no new carpet, and you, too, will be covered in poop one day.
Allow me to set the scene:
It's Wednesday afternoon and Mr. McBooBoos is sitting on the floor in Miss Lala's room when suddenly a foul odor emanates from his general direction. I pick him up to investigate and in the spot where he had just been sitting, there's a toddler-sized circle of runny yellow poop. Now, if you have kids, but have yet to experience the buttocks to neck covered with poop phenomenon, let me guarantee you that one day, your child will be so covered with crap that the only option will be to hold him out in front of you as far as you safely can and quickly deposit him in the tub, clothes and all, and start the hosedown. More than likely, when the clothes start coming off, the poop that had been previously limited to the back area will find its way into the hair and onto the feet, between the toes. Any reservations you might have had before about actually touching the poo-poo are as good as out the window, because you've got a dirty job to do, and you've just got to hope that by the time you're finished, you've somehow avoided baby caca smears on the walls and in your own hair.
So the moral of the story is: no new carpet, and you, too, will be covered in poop one day.
To the god of impossible wishes.....
Dear Higher Being,
While I realize this is probably too much to ask, I have a few requests I would like you to consider:
...could you please make it less rewarding to be greedy and throw something awesome out at the really kind, selfless people out there?
...could you just wipe the slate clean with your giant Magna-Doodle and give everyone the same opportunities no matter where they come from or what they believe?
...and could you please make people stop killing and hurting other people? It really sucks.
Alice
P.S. Oh and by the way, could we just do one little switcheroo...broccoli in the bad column, chocolate Oreo cheesecake in the super-extra-good-for-you column? Thanks.
While I realize this is probably too much to ask, I have a few requests I would like you to consider:
...could you please make it less rewarding to be greedy and throw something awesome out at the really kind, selfless people out there?
...could you just wipe the slate clean with your giant Magna-Doodle and give everyone the same opportunities no matter where they come from or what they believe?
...and could you please make people stop killing and hurting other people? It really sucks.
Alice
P.S. Oh and by the way, could we just do one little switcheroo...broccoli in the bad column, chocolate Oreo cheesecake in the super-extra-good-for-you column? Thanks.
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